Hello Commons, I have a new book for ya. It’s called Untitled Bigfoot Project, it’s a novel about a writer who writes a novel about bigfoot, and it’s dedicated to a series of books called the Dark Tower, plus their author.
Untitled Bigfoot Project takes place in Logger’s Pond, NJ, the hometown of a young ‘man named Sidney Blake. Sidney, who went away to college in Colorado to pursue a passion for poetry, burned through his general education courses and then promptly flunked out when he hit the poetry classes. On his first night back in town, before even stopping home, Sidney meets up with a few childhood friends for a powwow of intoxication and merriment around a campfire; during this reunion, Sidney and one of his friends get to talking about the fantasy world they would make up stories about when they were children, and the idea of Sidney making a novel out of that other world gets tossed around with the empty bottles and cached bowlpacks. Over the course of the following few months, Sidney Blake goes on something of a journey during which he writes his novel, titled The Face of Fear, and battles his demons (plus whatever the hell it is making all that noise in the woods), and before the end of the year, he successfully publishes his work.
There are seven chapters of Untitled Bigfoot Project, each one preceded and followed by journal entries Sidney makes during the story, aside from the last one, which is followed by an article from the local Logger’s Pond newspaper, the LogPond Gazette. What follows is an extremely detailed breakdown of the seven chapters:
- Sunday: First Night – Sidney reunites with his friends and gets intoxicated around a campfire. When he gets home, he hears some noises in the woods.
- Monday: Noises – Sidney goes for a walk in the woods during which he experiences a kind of delusion where he thinks his favorite book series, the Dark Tower, is something of a prophecy of his life. He also hears some noises in the woods.
- Wednesday: Research – Sidney goes to the library to start work on his novel.
- Saturday: An Encounter – Sidney finds out what’s been making all the noise in the woods.
- Thursday: Findings – Sidney has a very interesting day.
- Tuesday: Conclusion – Sidney has a very interesting night.
- Friday: Last Night – With his novel all published and whatnot, Sidney decides to celebrate.
I know, the whole goddamned thing is spoiled now. At the end of this post is everything the hypothetical reader needs to know regarding the availability of the novel, and between here and there is some stuff the hypothetical reader might want to know about the novel.
First things first: I am downright excited to share this piece of work with you, Commons, and with any hypothetical readers who might check it out. UBP is the tenth book I’ve put together, and it’s also the longest, coming in at just under 250,000 words. The idea came to me in a sort of mundane way; I was sitting on the back porch smoking some herbs and I heard some noises in the woods, which freaked me out. To ease the paranoia, I asked myself, “What are you afraid of, fucking bigfoot?” and then the lightbulb went off. At first I didn’t think the project would be anything big, but over time the idea kept on evolving until it became the tome it is today, and now it’s here. Now it really exists!
Next, the dedication. I planned on Sidney being a Dark Tower junkie from the beginning, and his fantasy world is inspired by King’s other worlds than these, too, but then I got to the second chapter. The second chapter of UBP is the length of a straight-up novella, by far the longest chapter in the book, and each of its eight subchapters are named after the titles of the eight Dark Tower books. I went ham with it, in other words, and because of this, I decided to dedicate the book to Stephen King and his magnum opus. I don’t know the guy, obviously, but this book wouldn’t be the same without his books, and dedicating it to him and his work seemed like the right thing to do. So, I did it. That’s just what it is.
Now, a question: “If the book is about a dude who writes a book, does the book the dude writes in the book exist?”
To answer this question I was never asked by another human being, I’ll say this: “There are smaller books hidden in the back of a third of the nine other books I’ve written. Also, the LogPond Gazette article starts on page 519 of UBP, and UBP is 717 pages long. So uh… what do you think?”
Lastly, something of a revelation. Originally I wasn’t going to make mention of this, but we’re pretty deep into this post now, and I don’t know if this part’s ever go’n’a be read; might as well put it out there, right? So like I said, Untitled Bigfoot Project is the longest book I’ve ever written, coming in at just under 250,000 words. This puts my total published word count over the 1,000,000 mark, but that’s not the crazy part. Throughout those 1,000,000+ words, guess how many times the words “people” and “person” were used. Go on, guess. GUESS, I SAY!!!
Not once. Across my ten books I’ve written over 1,000,000 words, and “people” and “person” are not among those 1,000,000 words. Not once, Commons. Not a single time have I used the words “people” or “person” in my writing. There are a few reasons behind this, one of which I’d like to share with you: in my mind, a “person” and a “human” are not the same thing; as for what the difference is, well, you’ll have to figure that one out for yourself. If you can. You’re just a website, after all.
Untitled Bigfoot Project is scheduled to be shared over the course of 224 blog posts starting tomorrow, January 1st, and ending on August 12th. Each post will contain one subchapter of the book and will go up at
5:00 PM 9:00 AM eastern time every day. Below is the information tile for Untitled Bigfoot Project ripped straight from the Books page of my website, which includes applicable links and book stats.
Untitled Bigfoot Project
- A novel about a writer who writes a novel about bigfoot.
- Book Stats
– 717 pages
– 247,289 words
– Series: W-428
– Entry: 1
- Click here to read the book for free!
- Click here to buy an autographed copy directly from the bookmaker!
- Click here to buy a cheaper, unsigned paperback copy from Amazon!
- Click here to buy the ebook, the cheapest version of all!
From this day on, we move forever forward. Be well Commons~