Progress log: reviewed 94 of The Monksville Chronicles‘s 282 pages
I’m bothered. You wan’a know why I’m bothered? Because folks are strange, meaning one folk in particular is strange. Want to know what I’m talking about specifically? All right, I’ll tell you.
So I have this online store through Shopify, right? It’s called rePurpp, and through it I sell autographed copies of my books and The Hillside Commons merchandise, most of which is idiotic. I haven’t moved a single unit through this store yet, but it’s there, I have it, it’s real and it’s mine and I’m hemorrhaging money and it’s fine. It’s like I tell myself when I’m curled up in the fetal position in the corner at night bashing my head into the walls: It’ll all make sense eventually.
But that’s not why I’m bothered. I told you, it’s because of a human being. Aren’t you paying attention? Christ on a fucking crutch, I don’t even know what’s going on right now. My family is downstairs watching golf on the television. Golf, for fuck’s sake. I don’t know what the hell.
SO this store of mine, I have it through Shopify. I said that. Christ I’m tired. So I have this store, right? I can see who visits this store on the daily, and I usually check the viewership in the mornings when I’m booting up the social medias for my allotted thirty seconds. This is what I’ve seen over the past ten days, I’ll list it for you. Unless otherwise stated, the views come from within the USA.
- Today: the running book was viewed at 6 am and 2 pm
- April 9th: nothing
- April 8th: the running book was viewed at 1 am and 6 pm
- April 7th: nothing
- April 6th: the running book was viewed at 3 am and 12 pm
- April 5th: someone from Canada looked at my front page
- April 4th: the running book was viewed at 2 am and 7 pm
- April 3rd: the running book was viewed at 3 am
- April 2nd: the running book was viewed at 7 am
- April 1st: the running book was viewed at 7 am
Are we noticing a pattern here?! What the fuck?? It’s most likely the same human, because the pattern is there, and it’s been going on for a fuckin’ while now. At least a few weeks. I won’t even lie, I’m about 200% sure I know who’s doing it, and I won’t say his name nor will I reveal her gender, but I’m about 300,000% sure I know who it is and it creeps me the fuck out, ‘man! I am bothered by this nonsense! Like, what the fuck are you doing?! If you wan’a buy it then fine, buy the shitting running book, be my first Shopify sale, make my day! But don’t fuckin’… like, what are you even doing??? Why do you look at the same page on my goddamned store day after day like this?! How do you find yourself looking at Hunter’s running book at 3 am? Why do you roll out of bed and start your day by bringing up my store and staring at the running book?! What confuses me most of all: why the fuckin’ running book??? That shit is a 100-page pamphlet that I pulled out of my ass like a hard piece of shit, why that book?! Is it because the cover features my semi-pubescent body circa freshman year of high school, is that it? Golly, I hope not! Although if I were to find out that was the reason, I would be a little more comfortable because at least I would know what the fuck is going on! Like… just what the fuck?!
So there. Now you know why I am bothered. Today was fucking pushup day and I am being stalked on my Shopify store. Instead of folks buying THC beanies and Feller of Rock sweatshirts and autographed copies of my books which I put my heart and undying soul into, someone is drooling over my running book every day of their goddamned life. Sweet Christ. What do I do? What would you do? Also, how many words do you like to hit in a day when you’re writing a book?! I need to get out of here.
If you’re there, hypothetical reader, thank you for being there. From this day on, we move forever forward~