Writing log: TBN +1,749 words
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Before you go any further, you should know: this post here is one’a them ones.
So I changed the theme I’ve been using for The Hillside Commons up until now. The old one was called Scratchpad, I’d been using it ever since I started all this. Chose it more for the name than anything else, I think. The new one is called Escutcheon and I chose it solely because I like how it looks. I’ve been looking at all the website’s pages and whatnot. I don’t love how on the Books page on mobile the cover arts take up the whole screen instead of sitting next to the text like they’re supposed to, but that’s not the end of the world. On desktop it looks fine. What doesn’t look fine on desktop are the blog posts. The featured image is massive at the top of the screen, puts the rest of the post on hold. I kind of hate it. I’m thinking about just not using featured images in my posts anymore. Up until this point I’ve been using them because “every single blog post needs a featured image” but, like, I kind of hate how it looks in the posts. I’m torn.
All of this is coming from anxiety. The physical copy of The Monksville Chronicles came today and I still haven’t opened it. I’m planning for the announcement post to go up on Monday at 2:00 and I’m going to share it to the pair of self-promotion groups I joined on Facebook. I don’t know if it will lead to anything. Part of me is sure it’s going to be the one single thing I have to do to suddenly become rich and successful. The fact this part of me exists only worries me more. I’m nervous about what the folks who see it on their screen are going to think. If they’re going to click and judge me. To be completely honest I’m more afraid of success than I am failure at this point. I’ve been doing this by myself for so long that the thought of my books being read makes me uncomfortable, I almost feel like I’ve been holding out in an outpost on some strange planet in an alternate iteration of the universe. And that’s okay, too. Every life has its merits and I’ve found and accepted the merits of my own, I’m good with where I’m at. But what if things change?
What if things change because I’ve finally accepted and become good with my life as it is: that of a guy who makes fiction books so he doesn’t go insane?
The thought of change excites me, but if it’s going to happen then everything needs to be perfect. My entire website and store need to be redone. All my books need to be rewritten. I need to be the hypothetical reader’s god, goddamnit! But nothing can ever be perfect. Doesn’t matter anyway, things won’t change. Yeah, I’m going to share a Facebook post and suddenly everything will fall into place. Come on, that’s delusional… but there are over 100,000 members in the groups I’m sharing the post to. And I’m planning on sharing the daily posts to the groups too, so long as nobody kicks me out for doing so. I’m definitely going to get kicked out of the groups for posting the daily posts. I’m as sure about that as I am that sharing my posts to the groups will be the one thing I need to do to find success. Christ almighty it’s 4 p.m. and I haven’t started going through Over the River yet. I’m not getting to it today. I accidentally revealed the title in yesterday’s The Note, the cat’s all kinds of out of the bag. I’m fucked.
All I’ve done today is my laundry and change the theme on my website and rant about my anxieties for The Note. Listened to a lot of music, too. Two songs mostly, one on repeat and the other every now and then. The repeat one was Ruler of Everything by Tally Hall and the other was Variations on a Cloud by Miracle Musical. They’re the same band, kind of. I don’t know the semantics. I’ve had the Miracle Musical album for a couple years and I finally decided to look into it like a week ago and thus I discovered Tally Hall. Similar creators are involved between the two. I enjoy the music. All I want to do is lay around and burn cannabis and listen to Tally Hall and Miracle Musical.
I have no idea how to advertise my books. There, I said it, I FUCKING SAID IT. I’ve been at this for years and I’ve written a lot and I am more than eternally grateful for the stories I’ve told and the folks like you who are reading these words right now, but I think it is fair to say my reader-to-books ratio is not, eh, preferable. I feel like what I am doing is confusing for some. Like, you go to my Books page and the first thing you see is “Third Spiral: The Here and Now” and it’s described as an anthology, then you scroll down past all the books and you see “First Spiral: The Highest One Writing” and it’s like okay, so where’s the Second Spiral?
Where’s the Second Spiral. Where the fuck is the Second Spiral?? It’s not written yet. It’s canon in the writing, but it’s not written yet. First Spiral is what happened before Existence was born. Third Spiral is what’s been happening since Existence was born. Second Spiral will be what happened when Existence was born, and I will write it when I have my own place to live. It’s going to be 12 books long, it will take place across five different universes, and I’m going to write it all in one shot and release all the books at once because this is my life’s mission goddamnit, this story is fucking massive and I refuse to write it when I’m living in my parents’ attic, I just can’t do it ‘man. I need my own space. It’s going to be a massive undertaking and it will not be possible to do when I’m living here. I feel like I’m not the most popular human being in my town and I honestly have a hard time getting out of the house some days. It’s not even that I’m afraid of other folks seeing me, it’s that I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to deal with the metaphysical baggage of dealing with these random folks who shouldn’t be random to me because I’ve lived in this town for 20something years and I’ve lived in this house for like 8 years and I don’t even know some of my neighbors’ names, like, who are these random creatures?! They’re just there outside in the woods all the fucking time and I’m here all the fucking time but if I run into them I don’t recognize them, don’t know their names. How fucking strange is that?!
I have a spiderbite on my forearm. I don’t remember getting bitten by a spider but the bite is there and it fucking itches.
Holy shit. I think I’m going to get rid of my Shopify store. The only reason I have it is because I want to sell autographed copies of my books. But I haven’t sold a single copy yet. Plus, there’s the thing with the Shopify stalker, y’know? Bad energy surrounds the Shopify store. Were I to cancel it I could save $230 and I’d still be able to sell autographed books to anyone who wants one through Facebook, theoretically. They would have to message me and request one, but hey, if you want an autographed copy of one of my books then why would it be weird to message me about it? I could also sell them for the same price as Amazon, plus shipping if needed. That way I could stop doing the pictures of the book pile, too. That would speed up my releases. The only reason I do that stupid picture with every post is because I read in a WordPress-written article that you need featured images for your blog posts and the image of the pile was the only thing I could come up with. I almost feel like my posts would be better off without them, though. I’m not going to go back and change the posts, but… fuck ‘man, I think I can change a lot of my stuff for the better. And I want to, especially with me announcing The Monksville Chronicles soon.
God I’m nervous about rereleasing The Monksville Chronicles. It’s a good kind of nervous, though. It’s making me face things, making me make changes that will hopefully help me out a little. Maybe The Monksville Chronicles won’t be announced Monday. I’m not sure now. Changes, ‘man. I need to make changes to the way I do shit, I’m living in a fantasy land. Why do I have the Shopify store? How is that helping me at all?? Christ, I think I smoked so much weed yesterday that it gave me ego death, I’m looking at all my stuff and realizing how much I’m holding myself back because of pride and little else! Good lord, ‘man.
You know, there’s a saying my father has. It goes, “You’ll get nothing and like it.” He has another saying, too: “I might be the funniest guy I know.” Lo, but there is another, and this is the important one: “Sometimes, a ‘man needs to look at himself in the mirror and say All right, time to step it up.” That last wasn’t a direct quote, I paraphrased. But that’s okay. The message is still clear: I need to step my game up. I need to be doing better in life, ‘man. I need to be getting somewhere. I need to make some changes here. I need to deal with this website shit, ‘man. I feel like I need to put everything on hold until I figure out this website shit.
The green haze has passed, the buds are all leaves. The forest is animate again. Also, real talk: so synchronous numbers actually mean something or are they just numbers? Asking for a voice in my head.
If you’re there, hypothetical reader, thank you for being there. From this day on, we move forever forward~