The 2020 Event |The Main Event|

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|20.20|21|22|22.2|22.22|22.222|23|24|25|Those Extra Four…|1|2|3|4|Back Cover|


Chapter 7.5
Chuck Refuses To Experiment With Space Drugs

What If

“Well, I suppose there’s only one thing we can do,” Fleurna says, looking towards the office’s entrance. “Go get Ace and force him off the roof.”

Just then, a muffled ding squeezes its way through the crack between the glass doors. A moment later in walks Ace, his hands clasped behind his back and closed around a sizeable Z,Z-DifZoral Tryptamine crystal that nobody else is aware of.

Before anyone has a chance to say anything, Ace singles out Chuck and backs him into a wall. “Hey there friend, it’s your turn.”

“What in the fuck did you just say? I’m not doing that shit, you hear me? Chuck refuses to experiment with space drugs. Refuses.”

“So, funny story: you actually are going to experiment wit–”

“Ace, no,” Fleurna chimes in. “It’s too dangerous, what if–”

“Who gives a fuck what if?” Ace scolds, then turns his attention back to Chuck. “Listen to me, human. I’ve been kicking around this starscape for millenia of millenia, you know what that means? I was born literally millions of years ago, as far as you know, and nothing like that has ever happened to anybody who’s taken this stuff. Never not once… do you concur, Fleurna?”

Fleurna says nothing, knowing Ace has a point but decidedly staying very averse to taking a risk with these psychotic monkey creatures.

“My point exactly. It was a fluke and I handled it. We handled it. It got a little dark, buh–”

“A little?” Jack pips. “Fuck you, alien, that wuh–”

“Before you finish that sentence, you pale-skinned hairless ape, you better decide whether you want to talk about the first three quarters of your trip or that last forty-two seconds you lack memory of. Because, for me, I focus on the good instead of wallowing in the low-frequency bullshit like a pathetic little Krathi who thinks big is stupid because I’m the size of a fuckin’ walnut. You crackin’ my egg here? Fryin’ my yolk?”

Jack genuinely debates arguing with the epochs-old being, but decides the attempt would be null. Especially when he can be tricked into doing that drug again.

“Fine… I don’t really want to admit it but… the first part of the, whatever you want to call it, the trip… it was beautiful. It made me understand things that I had never understood before, things that I completely forget now, by the way. What’s that all about?”

That is the Universe doing what it does best: being smarter than you and doing what She needs to do. Through me. Everything that happens…” sigh “happens because it’s supposed to happen.” To Chuck, “And Fleurna and I came here to give you a trip, Chuck. Not Jack, not Sigmund, but you.”

“Then why dih–”

“When a choice opportunity to pop open an adolescent human’s tightly locked doors of perception came about, I seized the moment, carped the ass out of that diem. Unfortunately, it resulted in a neuro-electrical seizure, but we all got out okay. Not that many humans died, relatively speaking, and the ones that did die were supposed to pass, so says the Universe because, well, because it happened. So,” as he turns to Fleurna, who’s already uncorking the vial that contains the circle powder. “Wow, you’re way ahead of me. I love it!”

Ace backs off Chuck and hands him the DfZT crystal, returning to his position at Chuck’s desk, this time hovering lotus above it instead of sitting in his seat. Fleurna does that magical hand-waving that Chuck loves to watch and readies the circle, this time making it just big enough for one human to occupy. She then looks over at Chuck and winks, gesturing to the circle.

Chuck makes an audible gulp sound and slowly walks into the circle, causing himself an immense amount of pain by folding his legs overtop one another and forcing himself into the lotus position once more. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, the crystal dusting and reshaping itself into a small bong this time around, complete with a bowl full of Cape Cookies Redux: The Sexy Alien Edition. Slowly but surely he brings his ringed middle finger to the mouth of the packed bowl. A small flame flickers from beneath his fingernail.

Chuck looks back at Sigmund for confirmation. Sigmund gives Chuck a shrug, nonverbally telling him that he has no idea what the right move is, so Chuck looks at the back of Jack’s head and decides that he won’t get validation from there, either. Chuck then looks to Ace, who serves him up a platter of a more dramatic version of Sigmund’s reaction. Just as he’s about to extinguish the flame again, he feels a soft pair of lips kiss him on the cheek.

‘Greatness does not appear out of thin air, Chuck…’ Fleurna begins in his head, Ace finishing the sentence out loud with, “…it is forged in fire and pressure-cooked in the collision point between two rogue planets.”

Ace then turns to Fleurna, smiles, and says, “And I’m sorry that I forgot that.”

With his lungs filled with smoke milliseconds after the kiss lands on his cheek, Chuck falls into a deep trance, managing to keep his body upright for the duration of the trip while entirely missing that nonsense that Ace and Fleurna were going on about.