The Abusive Runner’s Log

|Front Cover|Howdy.|The Logs|Grand Totals|Back Cover|


Welcome to what is surely neither the greatest nor the worst purchase you’ve ever transacted. Considering how you’re now the proud owner of a copy of this book, a silly pamphlet called The Abusive Runner’s Log, I think I can safely make the following two assumptions about you:

  1. You are a runner.
  2. You have a fantastic relationship with your parentals.

See, I once coached a cross country team; for several years, my life more or less consisted of inspiring teenage boys who desperately wanted to be anywhere else but cross country practice into putting their best effort forward so they could reach their full potential and shatterblast their best race time. Through the experience, I learned the following two things:

  1. Humans run faster when they’re being screamed at.
  2. I don’t mean cheered for, I mean screamed at.

When one is hyperventilating and mentally telling oneself to stop fucking running already, one often needs to be verbally berated to be ripped from the thought hole and brought back into reality so one can pay full attention to the running again. You saw the dudeguy on the cover, right? That’s a lil’ buddy named Footsie The Running Shoe; throughout this runner’s log, which has enough blank tables for you to keep track of your mileage for the next year, Footsie and all his various emotions are going to keep you company and make sure you don’t fall off the horse. Now that the curse has been passed on, I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your journeys. Also, always remember: run fast and don’t look back.