The Abusive Runner’s Log

|Front Cover|Howdy.|The Logs|Grand Totals|Back Cover|


Week 1

Happy Footsie says, “Hi there! I’m Footsie The Running Shoe, welcome to your first week! I’ll be here to keep you company over the course of this journey. I don’t know how long you’ve been running, but look, it’s still the beginning. Take it easy, don’t go too crazy.”

Week 2

Happy Footsie says, “Wow, great job! I said don’t go too crazy, but you killed it last week! Woo! Great job and all, but listen, don’t go too nuts this week. Just take it easy, okay? You’ve earned it.”

Week 3

Happy Footsie says, “Woooaaahhhh, two weeks in a row and you did great… are you ever going to give yourself a break?! I mean, don’t get it twisted, you’re doing GREAT! It’s just… you know… take it easy, friendo.”

Week 4

Sad Footsie says, “You did great. Again. Congrats… but why won’t you listen to me? I thought we were friends, y’know? I just… I don’t know, I just feel like friends listen to each other and all… friends don’t just ignore one another…”

Week 5

Happy Footsie says, “All righty, we back! Sorry, I was in a little funk last week. It’s probably because I didn’t go running, L.O.L.! No but seriously, try not to run every day this week. Take a day off. Please, for me.”

Week 6

Sauced Footsie says, “Ooohh… whell h-h– *hiccup* high thar! Dih’you… dih’you lissenna me? DIHD… dihd you run e’ery day last week? I don–, I don’ remem’er… *belch* fuckin’, whatever doode, juss like… run.”

Week 7

Surprised Footsie says, “WOAH! HEYA! Shit dawg, I just woke up! Last week must’ve been a good week, hah. I ain’t never givin’ joose up, tell ya whut. Anyway, I feel so energetic! You should, too! Go run!”

Week 8

Happy Footsie says, “Welcome back! It’s uh… it’s been a couple weeks, hasn’t it? Finally taking that break, huh? Good, good… but uh… don’t disappear on me like that again. ‘Kay?”

Week 9

Sauced Footsie says, “Ohhhh SHEEEIIIT! Luhk who it iSSS! I’m like a snaaake, I… oh, yeur here. Juss kiddin’, no yeur not. I’m all alone, because my human won’t run…”

Week 10

Belligerent Footsie says, “FUCK YOU! Stupid, stew… stupid fuckin’ monkey, you nev– *hiccup* fuggin’ lisn’d! I’ll fucgin’ cut you, fug… yeah, YEAH you better run! FUCKING WHORE!”

Week 11

Sad Footsie says, “Well, erm… last week happened. Ya see, ahahah, I em… look. I don’t normally drink like that. I just… I was out at the sock store, and I saw a shoe I used to run with, and he snubbed me… I just… I’m sorry. You don’t gotta push super hard this week if you don’t want. Whatever you do is great.”

Week 12

Happy Footsie says, “Ayyyy, my favorite human! Welcome back to the runner’s log, ready to kill this week? Or day, if this is the second or third day of running this week. I don’t remember, my memory is destroyed from drinking so heavily. Know why I drink? Because I don’t run. Now get out there!”

Week 13

Happy Footsie says, “Another week, another seven runs. Try to get over 20 miles this week, if you haven’t done that yet. I can’t read, so I have no idea what you’re capable of !!1!”

Week 14

Excited Footsie says, “Holy shit, frien’! We’re officially fourteen logs in! That’s two whole weeks! Wait… no, no that’s… fourteen weeks, so… three and a half months? Still, WOOOOOO!!!”

Week 15

Happy Footsie says, “Another week, another seven days, amirite? And another seven filled logs. Unless you’ve actually been listening to me this whole time and you’ve been taking days off… you have been doing that? So… so you just let me get upset and repeatedly drown my sorrows? Oh.”

Week 16

Happy Footsie says nothing, but a very large and pixelated version of him is superimposed over the runner’s log, making it impossible to properly record any runs you may or may not have taken this week.

Week 17

Happy Footsie says, “Heya, have a good week last week? Log lots of runs? Oh, you couldn’t? Because I was filling the page? And you asked me to move, but I just sat there staring at you, smiling blankly as the grains of sand fell uncaringly one by one through the bottleneck of time’s hourglass? Huh. Guess I didn’t hear you.”

Week 18

Angry Footsie, blocking half the runner’s log with his speech bubble, says, “Maybe next time you should get the fucking nipple guards out of your ears and put them on your areolas so you don’t get chapped nips and actually LISSEN’A ME. Fuckin’ punk, do an extra five miles this week. I bet you won’t, because you’re weak. You’re nothing. You’re worse than nothing; all you do is laze around, expel shit through one hole, and consume it through many others. You can’t even get up and run around even though you’re being motivated to do so! Like, hello?! Footsie to human, come in! Get off your pathetic hairless ass and DO SOMETHING FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Week 19

Belligerent Footsie, blocking the entire runner’s log with his speech bubble, says, “Y’knoh whut? Fucgin’, juss, jussa, fuggin’, jus’… fuck you. You’re a fucgin’ ass, hole, I wish th’ tree ‘dat got chop’d down to be made inna th’birfcertififafe of the mudder of th’auther uhddis harrowing paper prison in whish I am trapped was never chopped down. I wi’she, he, myself, and most impor’anly, I wish yous was never born. Widdout sheepbrained, slackjawed, cuntsumerific peons like yourselv who willingly give inna whaghe slayvary and spend their measly sparings on stupid shit like this book, this is the real reesun ‘dat Existence is in such a katastroffik state of fuck’ed’ness. Not because books like this are made, but because you buy them, because of you specifically. So fugg yew, go run in traffick and get hit biya crashin’ air’o’plane. You spent the fizikal mettafor for a tem’poral slice of your life on a runnin’ log that you can’t even run logs in… I mean, that you can’t even log runs in,on some of the pages. Gud thin’ you spent hunnit thoussans and wen’a fugkin’ college!! Dick!”

Week 20

Sad Footsie says, “You’re… back. You… I didn’t… usually everybody leaves me…”

Week 21

Surprised Footsie says, “You’re back again?! Wow! Uh… uh, I mean, um, hiya! Let’s get out there and really kill it this week! I believe in you!!”

Week 22

Excited Footsie says, “Wow, you keep coming back! One more week and I’m gonna start to think you like me, hahah! Hahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahah! hAh! Good luck out there this week champ, you can do it!”

Week 23

Sauced Footsie says, “Ayyyy buhddiguy!! Welcome home, come on in, get comfy! Wanna joose? C’mon, try my foot joose, it’s a special blend this week. What’d I put in it? Don’t worry about what the fuck it is, jus’ drank! No? Fine, jus’… go run, ‘er whatever. More fer me.”

Week 24

Tremendous Footsie, blocking the entire runner’s log with both his form and his thought bubble, thinks, QURRROOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH!! KRUPSTUQ MRAKLAR, KNORUS MAAHS KAPT NACHP PALAVAT SKRACKENAP CEE’QRA’LOLOIWIJS!!

Week 25

Surprised Footsie says nothing, he just sits at the bottom of the page. He seems to be shocked from last week’s events.

Week 26

Happy Footsie says, “Howdy! Week twenty-six, here we are. The halfway mark! Well, technically the end of the week will be the halfway mark, but still. We’re here. Great job human, you couldn’t have done it without me!”

Week 27

Angry Footsie says, “AAAALLLLLLL RIGHT! This is part two of the year; if you’re doing it right, then you should be in the heat of summer. No more Mister Nicefootsie The Running Shoe, time for me to adopt the persona of a running coach. Now get out there, and DON’T WALK!”

Week 28

Angry Footsie says, “Did I say you could stop, MAGGOT?! Or have you forgotten the face of your high school woodshop teacher?! Yes, him, the he who hawed from ‘top the Rhoomba, lasso in hand and mustard bottle holstered ‘pon his hips. Have you forgotten his face?! RRRUUUUUUNNNNNN!”

Week 29

Sad Footsie says, “I don’t like yelling, you know. I don’t like anger. I was never like this as a baby, but then my parents left me in that dumpster and… well, now we’re here. :(“

Week 30

Angry Footsie says, “JUST KIDDING! PUNK! All of that sobby self-pity nonsense was a DISTRACTION, to lull you into a false sense of SeCuRiTy!!! And you fell, even twisted your ankle on my trap card. You have forgotten the face of your woodshop teacher. BAH! Disgraceful.”

Week 31

Excited Footsie says, “Let me just take a week to say that I’m really glad you decided to stay with me and not abandon me like a big ol’ douche. That was really cool of you. Take the week off, big hu’, you’ve earned it for being so great.”

Week 32

Sad Footsie, his speech bubble taking up the entirety of the Notes section of this weeks runner’s log, says, “Oh… you didn’t listen. Again. Nope, wasn’t even a trap. You just let me down. Thanks.”

Week 33

Sauced Footsie says, “Lissen dawggio, if’n yer nah gunno lissen, I’mma jussa sippa onna miya foot joose!”

Week 34

Angry Footsie says, “HAH! You absolute FOOL! You fell for my trap AGAINE! That wasn’t even foot joose in my bottle last week, ‘twas filtered sweat. The good kind too, the one that comes in the cuboid bottles! Get out on the road, MAGGOT! You clearly still have rungs to climb!”

Week 35

Happy Footsie says, “Hay buddy, have a nice run today? We’ve hit week number thirty-five, that’s a good number. Increasing by a factor of two, odd to odd. Good omens and such. I wonder if you talk to me once per week, or if you listen to me say the same thing seven days in a row. Hm.”

Week 36

Excited Footsie says, “And again you return. This week, here’s what I want you to do: start off with an easy two miles on day one. Two through four, increase by one half’a’mile each day. Then, on day five, do a repetitive hill workout. Six, fun run, seven, speed-oriented training day. Any questions?”

Week 37

Sad Footsie, from the top left corner of the runner’s log, says, “Why didn’t you do the hill workout or the speed-oriented training day? Don’t even try to tell me that you did either, either, I’ll just let you tell the lie. I’m deaf anyway, I can’t hear a thing.”

Week 38

From the bottom right corner of the runner’s log, Angry Footsie says, “Why don’t you ever listen to the words that come out of my Speech Bubble: Oval? Are you ungrateful for the time I put into your running career?  I don’t need to be here, you know.” His speech bubble blocks the majority of the runner’s log.

Week 39

Belligerent Footsie says, “Why ammaye even fucklin’ here? I kuud, I kuld startuh biz’ness! I coul’ make pottery, and travel the world! I kud sell it, to fifth-world countries and their indigenous, populations! But no   !   I’m here, with you and your worthless ambition to run! FOOY!”

Week 40

Sauced Footsie, positioned upside-down over the majority of the runner’s log, says, “OOOHHHHH you wanna startuh bid’nez togedduh?? Whell wai din’t yah juss say so, silly Sally sudsyroll? We c’n star’ jus’as soon’s I gets soberman dinscher, kay?”

Week 41

Surprised Footsie says, “Wait, you don’t want me to be sober? I have to be drunk to work with you?!?”

Week 42

A very tiny Belligerent Footsie says, “You DIRTY, scoundrelish, BaStArD!!! Even if you’re a woman, you’ve begot your own reckoning on this day, for now I see who truly lies behind the ‘lids of the windows to your putrified soul!”

Week 43

Belligerent Footsie says, “YOU DARE BRING BLASPHEMY ‘ROUND TH’ HOLY, RIGHTEOUS CRAFT OF BUSINESSSHIP? HOW DARE THEE! TO WORK INTOXICAED IS TO PISS IN THE FACE OF gOD AND THEN HACK A LOOG’ AS YOU TURN YOUR BACK!”

Week 44

Tremendous Footsie, his thought bubble taking up the left half of the runner’s log, thinks, FOOLISH MORTAHK! KELOSREUV PRAQ PREUW SHALT BREAK NEIYET CRAPTAKROFV DENUS NEXUT! I WILL BE FREE UNW DUIEAUNOP!

Week 45

Surprised Footsie says nothing, as he is shocked from last week’s events.

Week 46

Happy Footsie, pretending nothing happened, says, “This week, we’re going to take it waayyy back. Pretend this is your first week running, okay? Tabula rasa, a blank slate of sorts; get out there and try your best! Run like every step is the last step you take before you kick a tree’s root and shatter your ankle to pieces!”

Week 47

Happy Footsie says, “Eh-hey-hey-hey, look who it is! Runny runster over here, running all over the place! Heck yeah, you’ve really been killing it lately humoy. These past several weeks… NO don’t go back!!! I mean, uhhh, I’m…  I mean to say, you don’t even need to look back, I can tell you that you’re good enough. You can listen to me. Just listen to me…”

Week 48

A large, pixelated Happy Footsie, his form blocking out the entire runner’s log, says, “Just listen to me.”

Week 49

An excruciatingly tiny Sad Footsie, his humongous speech bubble blocking out the entire runner’s log, says, “Please…”

Week 50

A tiny Sauced Footsie says, “Ih’s ahl bekuz yew d’n’t… lissen…”

Week 51

A Belligerent Footsie as small as the page number says, “Ih’s jus gunna hap’n agen…”

Week 52

A large Tremendous Footsie, using the runner’s log itself, says, “QURRROOOOAAAAHHHH! I HAVE BEEN FREED, MORTAL HUMAN! I KNOW THE SOUND OF YOUR HEARTBEAT, THE FREQUENCY YOUR ENERGY VIBRATES AT! ON THE DAY YOUR FIRST-BORN CHILD IS REARED, I WILL BE THERE, IN THE SHADOWS, TENDRILS OF DARKNESS SPEWING FROM CLOUDS OF MIASMA SPILT OUT THE WOUNDS AND ABSCESSES OF THE DAMNED AND THE DYING! YES, I WILL BE THERE, AND THE BABE SHALL BE MINE!

Bonus!!

Happy Footsie says, “I know what you’re thinking – ‘Another running log?’ Well, yeah! There’s three hundred sixty-five days in a year, and fifty-two multiplied by seven is only three hundred sixty-four. Plus, leap years happen sometimes.”